Thank you to everyone who ever took the time to provide feedback on my story! :D
fictionpress reviews
1,408 Reads as of December 9th, 2013 on Fictionpress.com
Stormi Reagan - November 10, 2012
Wow, that was intense.
Your writing is sharp and to the point. The descriptions really impress me, especially how you describe people.
I was so shocked to see him as a young boy like that, and it makes it all the more interesting.
Great job at it all! I didn't find any mistakes in your writing, I am serious! You're very talented. The words are crisp and read just like a book in a store. You've definitely got what it takes to be published, in my opinion. The only thing that might hold one back in your case is the violence in this story, but look at Suzanne Collins-she did a pretty good job ;)
Great job :) On to the next chapter!
Wow, that was intense.
Your writing is sharp and to the point. The descriptions really impress me, especially how you describe people.
I was so shocked to see him as a young boy like that, and it makes it all the more interesting.
Great job at it all! I didn't find any mistakes in your writing, I am serious! You're very talented. The words are crisp and read just like a book in a store. You've definitely got what it takes to be published, in my opinion. The only thing that might hold one back in your case is the violence in this story, but look at Suzanne Collins-she did a pretty good job ;)
Great job :) On to the next chapter!
thorne08 - January 10, 2013
Wow.
This story presented a good explanation of being human. There are two sides of every coin and that goes to everything else. We are capable of being good and at the same time we are capable of doing the worse thing imaginable to ourselves and others.
Some of us deny it, some of us accept it, some of us loved it, some of us fear it, and some of us what to change it. The angrier the mask, the deeper the wound it tries to hide.
I'm intrigued with your story concept and how it will evolve since it is unique, and kind of a surprise to find a story that I could actually understand the twists and turns of the human psyche even if the story is still starting. Especially the pull between being a professional psychologist and being a human being. I'm also pretty curious as to the background of this tough kid.
Can't wait for the next chapter...
Wow.
This story presented a good explanation of being human. There are two sides of every coin and that goes to everything else. We are capable of being good and at the same time we are capable of doing the worse thing imaginable to ourselves and others.
Some of us deny it, some of us accept it, some of us loved it, some of us fear it, and some of us what to change it. The angrier the mask, the deeper the wound it tries to hide.
I'm intrigued with your story concept and how it will evolve since it is unique, and kind of a surprise to find a story that I could actually understand the twists and turns of the human psyche even if the story is still starting. Especially the pull between being a professional psychologist and being a human being. I'm also pretty curious as to the background of this tough kid.
Can't wait for the next chapter...
Rosie Jakklin - January 24th, 2013
This is an interesting plot, something I'd want to read about we're it published and I read the back cover. The character development is fantastic, and very insightful to makes us humans tick. One strange thing that kept nagging at me though, where on earth would a kid like that get a sword? How would he hide the sword? It's a pretty romanticized murder weapon, makes for great aesthetic appeal in a murder scene, but perhaps not very realistic.
Now your writing style - I love the descriptions, when I read any part of the story I can see it happening in my head very clearly. But that also comes at a price - much of this is very wordy.
Hope this didn't come across as too negative - aside from putting a few apostrophes where they're not supposed to go, your grammar is spot-on. This story is fantastic. It's got a very deep and intriguing plot and I'd like to see it on my bookshelf one day.
This is an interesting plot, something I'd want to read about we're it published and I read the back cover. The character development is fantastic, and very insightful to makes us humans tick. One strange thing that kept nagging at me though, where on earth would a kid like that get a sword? How would he hide the sword? It's a pretty romanticized murder weapon, makes for great aesthetic appeal in a murder scene, but perhaps not very realistic.
Now your writing style - I love the descriptions, when I read any part of the story I can see it happening in my head very clearly. But that also comes at a price - much of this is very wordy.
Hope this didn't come across as too negative - aside from putting a few apostrophes where they're not supposed to go, your grammar is spot-on. This story is fantastic. It's got a very deep and intriguing plot and I'd like to see it on my bookshelf one day.
Colton - February 10, 2013
This story is great. The plot is well thought out and the events that occur really help the story develop. Though some of the sentences may be a bit dodgy it does not effect the overall writing. You have the potential to go far in your writing. I am very much looking forward to the next chapter. Continue with the good work I cant wait to see how this story ends.
This story is great. The plot is well thought out and the events that occur really help the story develop. Though some of the sentences may be a bit dodgy it does not effect the overall writing. You have the potential to go far in your writing. I am very much looking forward to the next chapter. Continue with the good work I cant wait to see how this story ends.
Cinnamon Shards - Prologue Review - February 28, 2013
(Author: I would like to note that this reviewer mistook the genre of the writing as horror/thriller when it's not and was never labeled as such(and then...romance? for some odd reason) but I posted the review anyway, because I didn't feel like omitting negative reviews)
Honest first impression: It feels like you're trying really hard to shock me, and it isn't working.
Now I don't typically write horror stories so you can feel free to consider me an amateur here, but;
"In the other hand gleamed a long, guard-less blade, its razor edge silver and its spine black. Light glinted off not only the metal but the thick, red coating of blood that dripped off the downturned tip."
Does not scare me at all. The 'insane' part also doesn't come across in a believable way.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I think that my honest first impression is the most useful thing I can offer.
I can tell you're trying really hard. The concept is interesting and there's some nice language in places.
"BANG...A coppery taste…warmth trickling from the corner of his lips."
Was very effective in getting across how sudden the gunshot was.
I get the feeling that you're pretty young (or else just inexperienced). That's totally fine -you'll never get any better if you don't practice, right?
If you want some inspiration as far as horror/thriller type novels are concerned, I'd recommend "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" by Ken Kesey (because it's set in a mental health facility, albeit an old fashioned one) "Misery" by Stephen King (Because it has a fantastic portrayal of paranoid obsession driving someone to do monstrous things) and, if you can stomach some gruesome scenes, "Mister B Gone" by Clive Barker (because it's the most deeply disturbing and frightening novel I have ever read)
I wish you all the best of luck. Keep writing.
(Author: I would like to note that this reviewer mistook the genre of the writing as horror/thriller when it's not and was never labeled as such(and then...romance? for some odd reason) but I posted the review anyway, because I didn't feel like omitting negative reviews)
Honest first impression: It feels like you're trying really hard to shock me, and it isn't working.
Now I don't typically write horror stories so you can feel free to consider me an amateur here, but;
"In the other hand gleamed a long, guard-less blade, its razor edge silver and its spine black. Light glinted off not only the metal but the thick, red coating of blood that dripped off the downturned tip."
Does not scare me at all. The 'insane' part also doesn't come across in a believable way.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I think that my honest first impression is the most useful thing I can offer.
I can tell you're trying really hard. The concept is interesting and there's some nice language in places.
"BANG...A coppery taste…warmth trickling from the corner of his lips."
Was very effective in getting across how sudden the gunshot was.
I get the feeling that you're pretty young (or else just inexperienced). That's totally fine -you'll never get any better if you don't practice, right?
If you want some inspiration as far as horror/thriller type novels are concerned, I'd recommend "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" by Ken Kesey (because it's set in a mental health facility, albeit an old fashioned one) "Misery" by Stephen King (Because it has a fantastic portrayal of paranoid obsession driving someone to do monstrous things) and, if you can stomach some gruesome scenes, "Mister B Gone" by Clive Barker (because it's the most deeply disturbing and frightening novel I have ever read)
I wish you all the best of luck. Keep writing.
Derek57 - April 4th, 2013
Overall, it's a very promising read, but you practically tell us everything we need to know in the first two chapters and prologue xD
You know how a film trailer basically tells you everything that happens...and you're like, 'why would I need to see that film now?'
It's sorta like that.
Not so extreme, but I've already established that Faulklin(great name by the way, I really love it) is a mysterious, deranged, criminally insane, obsessively suicidal teenager from an abusive, tormented home or institution probably from out of town. We've already been given a taster of his reasons for being the way he is from him repeating that "people deserve to die"...so I'm struggling to see what else there is to reveal about him!
I know you've probably got lots of details in store but considering he's such an enigma, we've got a good grasp on him already.
Perhaps the first two chapters have been a little too transparent to serve as a good teaser for the rest of the book. Try and keep us wondering!
I'd happily read a published version of this, but I feel it needs some kinks smoothing out :)
And...is it bad that I actually really like Faulklin? xD He's adorable in a damaged way. I want to wrap him up on a blanket and make him better, but his animal side is kinda terrifying at the same time.
Maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel.
But anyway, KEEP with it despite what I've said, because this is a great read. You have the potential to provide readers with a brilliant book (your imagery and emotions are so vivid!) so don't let my words stop you achieving that. If you need any more advice/guidelines, don't hesitate to ask me.
Great work, though, and I'm very impressed :)
Overall, it's a very promising read, but you practically tell us everything we need to know in the first two chapters and prologue xD
You know how a film trailer basically tells you everything that happens...and you're like, 'why would I need to see that film now?'
It's sorta like that.
Not so extreme, but I've already established that Faulklin(great name by the way, I really love it) is a mysterious, deranged, criminally insane, obsessively suicidal teenager from an abusive, tormented home or institution probably from out of town. We've already been given a taster of his reasons for being the way he is from him repeating that "people deserve to die"...so I'm struggling to see what else there is to reveal about him!
I know you've probably got lots of details in store but considering he's such an enigma, we've got a good grasp on him already.
Perhaps the first two chapters have been a little too transparent to serve as a good teaser for the rest of the book. Try and keep us wondering!
I'd happily read a published version of this, but I feel it needs some kinks smoothing out :)
And...is it bad that I actually really like Faulklin? xD He's adorable in a damaged way. I want to wrap him up on a blanket and make him better, but his animal side is kinda terrifying at the same time.
Maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel.
But anyway, KEEP with it despite what I've said, because this is a great read. You have the potential to provide readers with a brilliant book (your imagery and emotions are so vivid!) so don't let my words stop you achieving that. If you need any more advice/guidelines, don't hesitate to ask me.
Great work, though, and I'm very impressed :)
Red Red Ribbons - December 10th, 2013
Wow... It's been a long time since I've seen the once familiar update alert from this in my inbox.
They were once familiar to me, and I would open and read with eagerness whenever I could.
However, there was always that lagging guilt of lurking when I know that such a gifted writer (Such as you) should be recieving as much feedback as possible. However, we are all stricken by deadly sins, and I found that Sloth decided to turn me away from your review box once too often.
But I'm here now, and better late than never, isn't that right? I will apologize for the lack of grammar and of spelling, but as I am being forced to post this from my mobile device, I find that fat thumbs and a small keyboard are often unforgiving, as is an ever moving mind that can cause sentences to fragment and stray.
I am here to commend you on your unbelievable writing.
I know when I have found someone with true talent, and I can say with confidence that you are indeed one of these people, very rightfully pursuing a "career" in this field. It is not a mistake, similar to the lack of fault in polishing this story up. It was spectacular before, but already I can tell of the extreme improvements. The devil is in the details, of course, we are never allowed to forget that.
And as authors, it applies even more readily, due to the details seperating the great from the gods. To be honest, before you were great, now I find you edging into the territory of near religous perfection. As a writer for liesure and self satisfaction who has mostly abandoned her fanfiction, now my pleasure lies in reading anothers work, and giving my two cents if the author cares so much as to hear it. From your words, you always seem eager enough for feedback, which is an extremely promising concept.
It excites me that you are "back on the road," so to speak with this story.
I am always here, even if lurking, and reading this captivating tale with a grin on my face. It is interesting me, the fact that I began reading this a very very long time ago, far before I met one of my best friends of today. He's quite the character, this friend of mine. However, before this was just a story to me, of a child suffering unbelievable abuse and turning darkside.
This friend of mine, god, I won't even begin on what he's been through. Granted, not as much as this darling character of yours, but enough nonetheless. I can see how much it hurts a person, how much it can take a child that can hardly speak, to a teen, and utterly destroy them.
It turns what could have been someone who can easily love and smile and wreck them beyond repair.
Before you continue this story, I have a feeling you have, but I would like you to brush up on some psychology.
I have a little, and I can see the effects of abuse firsthand on a daily basis. The importance of understanding the psychology behind your characters is something that is important as a writer, and if you have not 'been' the character (God I hope not) it is important to find the psychology and psychological accuracy in a story, especially one such as this, which revolves around the idea of a fragmented and traumatized child due to the effects of an unbelievable abuse.
Abuse and its aftermath are extremely real, not just something of stories and fairy tales. Abuse it what makes a kid who just barely got two digits to his years ready to swing from the ceiling fan, abuse is what takes away lives and smiles and laughter and the will to live. It's a desperate struggle that leaves everyone helpless because even the help for abuse hurts.
I do believe you have been doing a fantastic job, and I commend you for that. Just know before you write, that's all I'm saying. Because no matter how far fetched a story might be, all fiction has some truth behind the surface.
Anyway, that's all for my rant .-." Sorry about that. Once more, I will be much more present as you continue to update this story and i thank you for all the hard work you do. Best of luck!
Wow... It's been a long time since I've seen the once familiar update alert from this in my inbox.
They were once familiar to me, and I would open and read with eagerness whenever I could.
However, there was always that lagging guilt of lurking when I know that such a gifted writer (Such as you) should be recieving as much feedback as possible. However, we are all stricken by deadly sins, and I found that Sloth decided to turn me away from your review box once too often.
But I'm here now, and better late than never, isn't that right? I will apologize for the lack of grammar and of spelling, but as I am being forced to post this from my mobile device, I find that fat thumbs and a small keyboard are often unforgiving, as is an ever moving mind that can cause sentences to fragment and stray.
I am here to commend you on your unbelievable writing.
I know when I have found someone with true talent, and I can say with confidence that you are indeed one of these people, very rightfully pursuing a "career" in this field. It is not a mistake, similar to the lack of fault in polishing this story up. It was spectacular before, but already I can tell of the extreme improvements. The devil is in the details, of course, we are never allowed to forget that.
And as authors, it applies even more readily, due to the details seperating the great from the gods. To be honest, before you were great, now I find you edging into the territory of near religous perfection. As a writer for liesure and self satisfaction who has mostly abandoned her fanfiction, now my pleasure lies in reading anothers work, and giving my two cents if the author cares so much as to hear it. From your words, you always seem eager enough for feedback, which is an extremely promising concept.
It excites me that you are "back on the road," so to speak with this story.
I am always here, even if lurking, and reading this captivating tale with a grin on my face. It is interesting me, the fact that I began reading this a very very long time ago, far before I met one of my best friends of today. He's quite the character, this friend of mine. However, before this was just a story to me, of a child suffering unbelievable abuse and turning darkside.
This friend of mine, god, I won't even begin on what he's been through. Granted, not as much as this darling character of yours, but enough nonetheless. I can see how much it hurts a person, how much it can take a child that can hardly speak, to a teen, and utterly destroy them.
It turns what could have been someone who can easily love and smile and wreck them beyond repair.
Before you continue this story, I have a feeling you have, but I would like you to brush up on some psychology.
I have a little, and I can see the effects of abuse firsthand on a daily basis. The importance of understanding the psychology behind your characters is something that is important as a writer, and if you have not 'been' the character (God I hope not) it is important to find the psychology and psychological accuracy in a story, especially one such as this, which revolves around the idea of a fragmented and traumatized child due to the effects of an unbelievable abuse.
Abuse and its aftermath are extremely real, not just something of stories and fairy tales. Abuse it what makes a kid who just barely got two digits to his years ready to swing from the ceiling fan, abuse is what takes away lives and smiles and laughter and the will to live. It's a desperate struggle that leaves everyone helpless because even the help for abuse hurts.
I do believe you have been doing a fantastic job, and I commend you for that. Just know before you write, that's all I'm saying. Because no matter how far fetched a story might be, all fiction has some truth behind the surface.
Anyway, that's all for my rant .-." Sorry about that. Once more, I will be much more present as you continue to update this story and i thank you for all the hard work you do. Best of luck!
SinisterSister - January 22nd, 2014
I love this book! It is beautifully written and I can't wait to read what happens next! Keep updating!
I love this book! It is beautifully written and I can't wait to read what happens next! Keep updating!
interestinglyenough - January 24th, 2014
I was so caught up in reading that I completely forgot to review on previous chapters. This is so good, though! This story is a big emotional Rollercoaster, and I love how knowledgeable you are about the process of the courts and legal system, especially when it comes to mental patients (health science major in college, so I always commemorate those who know this kind of stuff). Faulklin's behavior in this chapter was really refreshing since there was a whole other side to him that I'm glad Mamoru was able to get through to him better. Can't wait to read more!
I was so caught up in reading that I completely forgot to review on previous chapters. This is so good, though! This story is a big emotional Rollercoaster, and I love how knowledgeable you are about the process of the courts and legal system, especially when it comes to mental patients (health science major in college, so I always commemorate those who know this kind of stuff). Faulklin's behavior in this chapter was really refreshing since there was a whole other side to him that I'm glad Mamoru was able to get through to him better. Can't wait to read more!
LDF - February 27th, 2014
Overall, the premise is good. The summary sure took me in. The concept is going to be a hard one to tackle, since you have to keep in mind that Faulklin has murdered a lot of people, and in his rationale, deserved it. So a bit disappointed that Mamoru, the head psychologist, is so naive as to think that it'll be easy to rehabilitate someone like this. When he says to Faulklin that he's safe in the institute and can't harm anyone there, I'd expect that to an abuse victim who lashes out at people or something, and not a person who killed over a dozen people. It's just really naive and stupid to say without really taking that into consideration.
Overall, the premise is good. The summary sure took me in. The concept is going to be a hard one to tackle, since you have to keep in mind that Faulklin has murdered a lot of people, and in his rationale, deserved it. So a bit disappointed that Mamoru, the head psychologist, is so naive as to think that it'll be easy to rehabilitate someone like this. When he says to Faulklin that he's safe in the institute and can't harm anyone there, I'd expect that to an abuse victim who lashes out at people or something, and not a person who killed over a dozen people. It's just really naive and stupid to say without really taking that into consideration.
Readwave Reviews
190 Reads
Robert Tucker - December 2012
What an opening! It's such an awesome story and so professionally written as well. You have massive talent. I'm really getting into this. Going to send it to my kindle and read it tonight. Amazing writing.
~R
What an opening! It's such an awesome story and so professionally written as well. You have massive talent. I'm really getting into this. Going to send it to my kindle and read it tonight. Amazing writing.
~R
LianneGraziella - June 2013
The prologue is fantastic, it really draws the reader in and makes you want to read more and more until you know what's going to happen. Great work, I enjoyed reading this. It's fantastic.
The prologue is fantastic, it really draws the reader in and makes you want to read more and more until you know what's going to happen. Great work, I enjoyed reading this. It's fantastic.
Hannah Marie - June 2013
Intriguing prologue, you've set the scene for something very original and different. Great little teaser, I look forward to reading more.
Intriguing prologue, you've set the scene for something very original and different. Great little teaser, I look forward to reading more.
John Thornton - July 2013
I can +1 that readership! I enjoyed this - just the right length and a decent intro to what I'm sure is a great final product.
I can +1 that readership! I enjoyed this - just the right length and a decent intro to what I'm sure is a great final product.
Beth Dee - July 2013
This is such an exciting opening. Your writing is really mature and professional, I really enjoyed reading this - thanks for sharing it!
This is such an exciting opening. Your writing is really mature and professional, I really enjoyed reading this - thanks for sharing it!
Hannah Marie - December 2013
Interesting synopsis, I can see this enticing the reader to read more, and I especially like the idea of the psychologist uncovering the boy's past and finding out what caused him to commit such an act. Great work.
Interesting synopsis, I can see this enticing the reader to read more, and I especially like the idea of the psychologist uncovering the boy's past and finding out what caused him to commit such an act. Great work.
Noveljoy reviews
939 Reads
Krystal-Ann Melbourne - February 18th, 2013
Hey :) Flipped to this story in my search for the answers to the treasure hunt contest, and actually ended up reading through the whole first chapter even though this isn't one of the answers. Its very well written, well timed, suspenseful, and a good introspective. Good job :)
Hey :) Flipped to this story in my search for the answers to the treasure hunt contest, and actually ended up reading through the whole first chapter even though this isn't one of the answers. Its very well written, well timed, suspenseful, and a good introspective. Good job :)
CTBU - July 21st, 2013
I felt the story a little horrible, but the plot of this story is very interesting. I like this kind of novel! Thanks for the author.
I felt the story a little horrible, but the plot of this story is very interesting. I like this kind of novel! Thanks for the author.
Deviantart reviews
Krystar-Sensei - November 6th, 2012
Verrrry nice^^ I love the detail you put into this.
I read this and want to cry! And I have only cried during two books, ever. It takes a lot of details and conveying to upset me.
I can't wait to read the rest!
You gotta let us know when you finish and publish this, okay?
Verrrry nice^^ I love the detail you put into this.
I read this and want to cry! And I have only cried during two books, ever. It takes a lot of details and conveying to upset me.
I can't wait to read the rest!
You gotta let us know when you finish and publish this, okay?
HigekiHigure - December 19th, 2013
X3
He's like a lil ball of ferocious frothing rabid raccoon!
I may be cray-cray but I find that to be the most adorable thing in a person.
Although, I doubt how he got to be this way was very good so...eh....yolo I guess. At the risk of having my guts torn out and shoved down my throat so far they go through my ass...I'd hug him. I'd die hugging him so tightly he'd have to get a doctor to surgically remove me!
X3
He's like a lil ball of ferocious frothing rabid raccoon!
I may be cray-cray but I find that to be the most adorable thing in a person.
Although, I doubt how he got to be this way was very good so...eh....yolo I guess. At the risk of having my guts torn out and shoved down my throat so far they go through my ass...I'd hug him. I'd die hugging him so tightly he'd have to get a doctor to surgically remove me!